Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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