It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
