I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
