i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
