I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
