He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
