I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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