She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
