I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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