First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
