Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
