i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
...so i touched it.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
