My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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