Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
