I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
