So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
