Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I can text with my tongue
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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