one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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