i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
