$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
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The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
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I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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