he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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