chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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