It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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