I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
it was like his penis was on wheels.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
