ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
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Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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