just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
