these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
