Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
