Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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