Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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