Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
