You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
