there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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