Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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