The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
