i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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