I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Randomize
