I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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