You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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