If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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