If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
