just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
