Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
