she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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