Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
