im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
