some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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