Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
