whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
