I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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