Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
