Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
