I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I looked at my own cervix.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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