I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
