just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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