You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
