So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
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my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
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Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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