There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
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